do you really know?

You always say you care about me. That you love me. I believe you... sometimes. You say you know how much it hurts me you understand. No you don't. You don't get it at all. You just think you do, but you don't. You don't understand and I highly doubt you ever will. You think you understand so well. You know how people work you get it. No. You don't, at all. I love you more than anything. I would give anything to make you happy. I would give you the world if you wanted it. I would do anything for you. If you and I were the last two people in the entire universe I would be perfectly happy. You wouldn't be though. You wouldn't do anything for me. You wouldn't give up anything to make me happy. You want to stick up for yourself and everyone else. But not me. You want everyone to see you in the right light. I do, no matter what. You want to make sure everyone thinks of you right, regardless of what that might do to me. You don't care. You don't care at the right time. You care when it's easy. You care when it looks good. You care when no body is looking.

You don't need the whole world to love you, sometimes you just need one person. Me. I'll always love you no matter what. I'll always think you're great. I always have. You are my hero. You are the most amazing and inspiring person I've ever met. You don't even realize how much I respect you. How highly I think of you, how highly I hold you. You mean more to me than anything. I couldn't imagine where I would be right now if we had never started dating. Sometimes I don't think you see how much you mean to me. I think you sometimes take for granted how much I give myself to you, without even meaning to. I know your intentions are good. But they aren't right. You want to please everyone. You said you'll just be single just like all the peace keepers out there. You'd rather take the easy way out than confront the issue. You don't want to face anything. You want to run. I know you strongly disagree with me on this but it's true. You want to break up with me because it would be best? No you want to break up with me because you don't want to make sacrifices and you don't want to hurt other people. What about me? What about hurting me? You seem to be perfectly ok with doing that? Why am I dispensable? Why aren't I important enough to fight for?

I know I'm not her but if you want her then have her not me. Don't keep me around because you know I'll stay. If you don't want this anymore I don't want to force you into it. I love you more than you will ever know. I'll always be here for you, but... I can't keep hanging around hoping you make the right decision. Because what you and I think are the right decisions are very different. I hope that you realize how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You really are my hero. I just hope others hold you as highly as I do. If she's so important to you I hope she knows what an amazing person you are. I hope she knows what she has. I hope she understands how much I hurt knowing that you can't give her up. I hope she can see the person you really are, how rare you are. You really are a truly amazing and wonderful guy. I hope she knows that.

Part 3: We're two halves of a whole shit

Josh and I have been together for over a year now. We love each other and care for each other more than I ever thought possible. I never thought I would meet someone like him. Which is why recent events have hurt so much. I can't lose him. I will stay with him no matter what, no matter what he does or says. I'll never leave him. And if he did decide to break up with me I would never date anyone else. I would be single forever, I'll never find someone like him. I know this sounds possessive and clingy. It's not in that sense. I say this because he is the first person who actually gets me. The first person who didn't run away from me. The first person who bothered to listen and who bothered to care. The first person who was there when I needed them. He is the only person I can talk about anything with and never feel awkward. He's my best friend. It's not even boyfriend and girlfriend any more. It's beyond that. He truly is my best friend. I talk to him about everything and anything.

He doesn't do the same. He doesn't want to talk to me about everything because he's afraid I'll be mad. So he talks to this girl Mia. They've been friends a lot longer than I've known him. She's helped through more than I ever have or will. She's his best friend. It's getting to the point where whenever I hear the name Mia I get pain in my chest. In my ribs, my heart, my head, neck, everywhere. I feel sick. I can't sleep. I can't think. I tell Josh this and he doesn't get it. He's willing to give everything we have up for the sake of their friendship. I don't know what to do. It's killing me, but I keep pretending like nothing is wrong. Like everything will go back to normal if I don't acknowledge it. I'm willing to sacrifice myself and everything to keep this relationship together. I'm willing to be in pain and miserable, crying myself to sleep. Just to see him happy. Just to keep us together. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that if he leaves I'll fall. Everything will end. I won't be able to be happy anymore. It's really that bad. And I know I sound like the biggest drama queen right now. I should just be able to let go of him? Or I should just be cool with them talking?

The thing is I can't. She's disrespectful to me. She's liked him off and on. She is rude to me and everyone around her. I can't let this keep happening. I feel dirty and used when they talk. I can't trust anyone anymore. I thought I could trust him. He was the first person I actually put trust in. He ruined that. He ruined me. I can't think about anything anymore. I can't let him go. I don't want to see him with anyone else. He's everything I've ever wanted. But he acts like everything is ok. I'm here dying and crying myself to sleep... actually losing sleep. And he acts like nothings wrong. I don't get why he can't see what this is doing to me. He says we should break up because he's not good enough for me after all of this. My response is why are you running away from it instead of trying to fix it? You can fix this. Do you not want a relationship anymore? I'm not going to make you stay if you want to leave. I'm not going to keep fighting for something that you don't want. I'm not going to be the only one fighting, I'm the only one getting hurt. I want you to tell me if you don't want this anymore. I can't keep worrying about everything. I can't keep trying to forget everything like everything is ok. It's not. It's not ok anymore.

I love everything about you. Sometimes I don't understand you though. Sometimes you are just a boy. You don't get it. But I'm just a girl. I'll always be here. No matter what. Always. I can't leave I've become to attached. I've been there when you were in the hospital. I've stayed on the phone with you long into the night. We've bounced back from everything. I think we can do it again. But I can't be the only one putting forth the effort. You have to be willing to sacrifice if you want this relationship to work. You've been there for me when I needed you most. You've wiped away my tears and told me it was going to be ok. I'm there for you when you think you should just leave. I'll always be here to tell you everything is going to be ok. You'll be alright. I'll always be here to tell you that you are going to do great. You are great. I know you are. I know you love me but sometimes I really don't understand you.

Part 2: Worldly News

Let's just talk about recent events in my life. A general summary of what's been going on since I've been AWOL. My hair is white. Today is black out white out for spirit day and seniors are white. I spray dyed my hair for today and I look like Mr. J from ANTM and it's so stiff. I had half my face white and the other half was just regular. Tomorrow is comfy day and I'm painting a moon and stars on my face and wearing footie pajamas. I'm done talking about school.

I don't really like talking about myself I more enjoy talking about things that indirectly involve me. I really don't like making myself center of a conversation. Currently I'm listening to Nicki Minaj love her. Love her so much. I'll post a video of what song I'm listening to right now.

I am going to be photographed by a girl at my school. She loves my mohawk and wants to do a retro punk styled photo shoot. I'm excited! And Emma and I want to do a native american photo shoot because I look like Pocahontas haha.  I have a few photo shoots planned myself with a couple people. I have a really good idea to do with Josh next time he's in the hospital.

That's really all there is to talk about with me. Like I said I really hate talking about myself.

Part 1: This Bitch

You know it's going to be a good story when it starts out with, This Bitch, right? Wrong. This story isn't really a good story. It only depicts how self centered, ignorant, and mean people are. I am not going to sit here and pretend like I'm a god sent angel, because I will be the first to admit that I am far from. However I will say that I am very good at understanding people and trying to see things from their point of view. I'm not quick to judge and if I offer to help it's genuine. So I'll start my story...

This Bitch that has been the topic of one other post on here is just the most ignorant, self centered, and dense people I have ever had the misfortune to meet. She thinks so highly of her self that she can't see the truth, no one thinks of you that way. She really thinks that her shit don't stink. It's really aggravating to see her in the halls everyday, and know that she thinks she's hot shit. You aren't pretty, you aren't smart, and you aren't the best thing since sliced bread.

Anyways, she and her boyfriend had a falling out. I have an advice blog and it seemed like he could really use some help. I talked to him for a while and gave him unbiased and honest advice. I didn't use him or manipulate him, I never had malicious intent. I was simply helping. She goes and tells him that I'm manipulating him and that it was the worst mistake ever to talk to me and all this bull shit. It was stupid. I helped your boyfriend because you're a gutless whore, not my fault.

She is also just annoying as all get out. I can't stand her at all. In the least bit. If I had to be stuck in a room with no one else but her and I was given a gun and my only option was to die or spend an hour with her... I'd shoot her in the face. So that being said, I really can't stand this girl at all. Never have never will. However if I am giving you advice, take it. I actually have been through a lot even though I know you'd like to think other wise. I'm pretty sure I've been around the block a couple more times that you have. I know what I'm talking about and my words are not ill conceived. You need to get a grip on your life and figure it out before you ruin it.

You aren't the big man on campus. You don't have to be a bitch and a liar just because you want to "have a backbone" no. Just no. Having a backbone doesn't mean turning on everyone who was once friends with you. It doesn't mean being a stuck up bitch. Just no.

sorry for the absence

hello my beautiful people of the internet. i was absent for so long and there was so much that i meant to write that now i can't fit it into one post. i'm going to split this into a couple of different parts. this post will be my very informal (you can tell by the blatant disregard to proper grammar) explanation to what is what. part one is going to be a rant about this girl. there will be language and it will get vulgar. i apologize in advance. please skip if you would like. part two will be a general summary of what is going on in the world and my life. part three will be about my boyfriend and i and our relationship and where it is and how far it's come. then maybe i'll do a quick blurp about my birthday which was last thursday. alright let's get this thing a going shall we?