Josh and I have been together for over a year now. We love each other and care for each other more than I ever thought possible. I never thought I would meet someone like him. Which is why recent events have hurt so much. I can't lose him. I will stay with him no matter what, no matter what he does or says. I'll never leave him. And if he did decide to break up with me I would never date anyone else. I would be single forever, I'll never find someone like him. I know this sounds possessive and clingy. It's not in that sense. I say this because he is the first person who actually gets me. The first person who didn't run away from me. The first person who bothered to listen and who bothered to care. The first person who was there when I needed them. He is the only person I can talk about anything with and never feel awkward. He's my best friend. It's not even boyfriend and girlfriend any more. It's beyond that. He truly is my best friend. I talk to him about everything and anything.
He doesn't do the same. He doesn't want to talk to me about everything because he's afraid I'll be mad. So he talks to this girl Mia. They've been friends a lot longer than I've known him. She's helped through more than I ever have or will. She's his best friend. It's getting to the point where whenever I hear the name Mia I get pain in my chest. In my ribs, my heart, my head, neck, everywhere. I feel sick. I can't sleep. I can't think. I tell Josh this and he doesn't get it. He's willing to give everything we have up for the sake of their friendship. I don't know what to do. It's killing me, but I keep pretending like nothing is wrong. Like everything will go back to normal if I don't acknowledge it. I'm willing to sacrifice myself and everything to keep this relationship together. I'm willing to be in pain and miserable, crying myself to sleep. Just to see him happy. Just to keep us together. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that if he leaves I'll fall. Everything will end. I won't be able to be happy anymore. It's really that bad. And I know I sound like the biggest drama queen right now. I should just be able to let go of him? Or I should just be cool with them talking?
The thing is I can't. She's disrespectful to me. She's liked him off and on. She is rude to me and everyone around her. I can't let this keep happening. I feel dirty and used when they talk. I can't trust anyone anymore. I thought I could trust him. He was the first person I actually put trust in. He ruined that. He ruined me. I can't think about anything anymore. I can't let him go. I don't want to see him with anyone else. He's everything I've ever wanted. But he acts like everything is ok. I'm here dying and crying myself to sleep... actually losing sleep. And he acts like nothings wrong. I don't get why he can't see what this is doing to me. He says we should break up because he's not good enough for me after all of this. My response is why are you running away from it instead of trying to fix it? You can fix this. Do you not want a relationship anymore? I'm not going to make you stay if you want to leave. I'm not going to keep fighting for something that you don't want. I'm not going to be the only one fighting, I'm the only one getting hurt. I want you to tell me if you don't want this anymore. I can't keep worrying about everything. I can't keep trying to forget everything like everything is ok. It's not. It's not ok anymore.
I love everything about you. Sometimes I don't understand you though. Sometimes you are just a boy. You don't get it. But I'm just a girl. I'll always be here. No matter what. Always. I can't leave I've become to attached. I've been there when you were in the hospital. I've stayed on the phone with you long into the night. We've bounced back from everything. I think we can do it again. But I can't be the only one putting forth the effort. You have to be willing to sacrifice if you want this relationship to work. You've been there for me when I needed you most. You've wiped away my tears and told me it was going to be ok. I'm there for you when you think you should just leave. I'll always be here to tell you everything is going to be ok. You'll be alright. I'll always be here to tell you that you are going to do great. You are great. I know you are. I know you love me but sometimes I really don't understand you.
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