do you really know?

You always say you care about me. That you love me. I believe you... sometimes. You say you know how much it hurts me you understand. No you don't. You don't get it at all. You just think you do, but you don't. You don't understand and I highly doubt you ever will. You think you understand so well. You know how people work you get it. No. You don't, at all. I love you more than anything. I would give anything to make you happy. I would give you the world if you wanted it. I would do anything for you. If you and I were the last two people in the entire universe I would be perfectly happy. You wouldn't be though. You wouldn't do anything for me. You wouldn't give up anything to make me happy. You want to stick up for yourself and everyone else. But not me. You want everyone to see you in the right light. I do, no matter what. You want to make sure everyone thinks of you right, regardless of what that might do to me. You don't care. You don't care at the right time. You care when it's easy. You care when it looks good. You care when no body is looking.

You don't need the whole world to love you, sometimes you just need one person. Me. I'll always love you no matter what. I'll always think you're great. I always have. You are my hero. You are the most amazing and inspiring person I've ever met. You don't even realize how much I respect you. How highly I think of you, how highly I hold you. You mean more to me than anything. I couldn't imagine where I would be right now if we had never started dating. Sometimes I don't think you see how much you mean to me. I think you sometimes take for granted how much I give myself to you, without even meaning to. I know your intentions are good. But they aren't right. You want to please everyone. You said you'll just be single just like all the peace keepers out there. You'd rather take the easy way out than confront the issue. You don't want to face anything. You want to run. I know you strongly disagree with me on this but it's true. You want to break up with me because it would be best? No you want to break up with me because you don't want to make sacrifices and you don't want to hurt other people. What about me? What about hurting me? You seem to be perfectly ok with doing that? Why am I dispensable? Why aren't I important enough to fight for?

I know I'm not her but if you want her then have her not me. Don't keep me around because you know I'll stay. If you don't want this anymore I don't want to force you into it. I love you more than you will ever know. I'll always be here for you, but... I can't keep hanging around hoping you make the right decision. Because what you and I think are the right decisions are very different. I hope that you realize how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You really are my hero. I just hope others hold you as highly as I do. If she's so important to you I hope she knows what an amazing person you are. I hope she knows what she has. I hope she understands how much I hurt knowing that you can't give her up. I hope she can see the person you really are, how rare you are. You really are a truly amazing and wonderful guy. I hope she knows that.

Part 3: We're two halves of a whole shit

Josh and I have been together for over a year now. We love each other and care for each other more than I ever thought possible. I never thought I would meet someone like him. Which is why recent events have hurt so much. I can't lose him. I will stay with him no matter what, no matter what he does or says. I'll never leave him. And if he did decide to break up with me I would never date anyone else. I would be single forever, I'll never find someone like him. I know this sounds possessive and clingy. It's not in that sense. I say this because he is the first person who actually gets me. The first person who didn't run away from me. The first person who bothered to listen and who bothered to care. The first person who was there when I needed them. He is the only person I can talk about anything with and never feel awkward. He's my best friend. It's not even boyfriend and girlfriend any more. It's beyond that. He truly is my best friend. I talk to him about everything and anything.

He doesn't do the same. He doesn't want to talk to me about everything because he's afraid I'll be mad. So he talks to this girl Mia. They've been friends a lot longer than I've known him. She's helped through more than I ever have or will. She's his best friend. It's getting to the point where whenever I hear the name Mia I get pain in my chest. In my ribs, my heart, my head, neck, everywhere. I feel sick. I can't sleep. I can't think. I tell Josh this and he doesn't get it. He's willing to give everything we have up for the sake of their friendship. I don't know what to do. It's killing me, but I keep pretending like nothing is wrong. Like everything will go back to normal if I don't acknowledge it. I'm willing to sacrifice myself and everything to keep this relationship together. I'm willing to be in pain and miserable, crying myself to sleep. Just to see him happy. Just to keep us together. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that if he leaves I'll fall. Everything will end. I won't be able to be happy anymore. It's really that bad. And I know I sound like the biggest drama queen right now. I should just be able to let go of him? Or I should just be cool with them talking?

The thing is I can't. She's disrespectful to me. She's liked him off and on. She is rude to me and everyone around her. I can't let this keep happening. I feel dirty and used when they talk. I can't trust anyone anymore. I thought I could trust him. He was the first person I actually put trust in. He ruined that. He ruined me. I can't think about anything anymore. I can't let him go. I don't want to see him with anyone else. He's everything I've ever wanted. But he acts like everything is ok. I'm here dying and crying myself to sleep... actually losing sleep. And he acts like nothings wrong. I don't get why he can't see what this is doing to me. He says we should break up because he's not good enough for me after all of this. My response is why are you running away from it instead of trying to fix it? You can fix this. Do you not want a relationship anymore? I'm not going to make you stay if you want to leave. I'm not going to keep fighting for something that you don't want. I'm not going to be the only one fighting, I'm the only one getting hurt. I want you to tell me if you don't want this anymore. I can't keep worrying about everything. I can't keep trying to forget everything like everything is ok. It's not. It's not ok anymore.

I love everything about you. Sometimes I don't understand you though. Sometimes you are just a boy. You don't get it. But I'm just a girl. I'll always be here. No matter what. Always. I can't leave I've become to attached. I've been there when you were in the hospital. I've stayed on the phone with you long into the night. We've bounced back from everything. I think we can do it again. But I can't be the only one putting forth the effort. You have to be willing to sacrifice if you want this relationship to work. You've been there for me when I needed you most. You've wiped away my tears and told me it was going to be ok. I'm there for you when you think you should just leave. I'll always be here to tell you everything is going to be ok. You'll be alright. I'll always be here to tell you that you are going to do great. You are great. I know you are. I know you love me but sometimes I really don't understand you.

Part 2: Worldly News

Let's just talk about recent events in my life. A general summary of what's been going on since I've been AWOL. My hair is white. Today is black out white out for spirit day and seniors are white. I spray dyed my hair for today and I look like Mr. J from ANTM and it's so stiff. I had half my face white and the other half was just regular. Tomorrow is comfy day and I'm painting a moon and stars on my face and wearing footie pajamas. I'm done talking about school.

I don't really like talking about myself I more enjoy talking about things that indirectly involve me. I really don't like making myself center of a conversation. Currently I'm listening to Nicki Minaj love her. Love her so much. I'll post a video of what song I'm listening to right now.

I am going to be photographed by a girl at my school. She loves my mohawk and wants to do a retro punk styled photo shoot. I'm excited! And Emma and I want to do a native american photo shoot because I look like Pocahontas haha.  I have a few photo shoots planned myself with a couple people. I have a really good idea to do with Josh next time he's in the hospital.

That's really all there is to talk about with me. Like I said I really hate talking about myself.

Part 1: This Bitch

You know it's going to be a good story when it starts out with, This Bitch, right? Wrong. This story isn't really a good story. It only depicts how self centered, ignorant, and mean people are. I am not going to sit here and pretend like I'm a god sent angel, because I will be the first to admit that I am far from. However I will say that I am very good at understanding people and trying to see things from their point of view. I'm not quick to judge and if I offer to help it's genuine. So I'll start my story...

This Bitch that has been the topic of one other post on here is just the most ignorant, self centered, and dense people I have ever had the misfortune to meet. She thinks so highly of her self that she can't see the truth, no one thinks of you that way. She really thinks that her shit don't stink. It's really aggravating to see her in the halls everyday, and know that she thinks she's hot shit. You aren't pretty, you aren't smart, and you aren't the best thing since sliced bread.

Anyways, she and her boyfriend had a falling out. I have an advice blog and it seemed like he could really use some help. I talked to him for a while and gave him unbiased and honest advice. I didn't use him or manipulate him, I never had malicious intent. I was simply helping. She goes and tells him that I'm manipulating him and that it was the worst mistake ever to talk to me and all this bull shit. It was stupid. I helped your boyfriend because you're a gutless whore, not my fault.

She is also just annoying as all get out. I can't stand her at all. In the least bit. If I had to be stuck in a room with no one else but her and I was given a gun and my only option was to die or spend an hour with her... I'd shoot her in the face. So that being said, I really can't stand this girl at all. Never have never will. However if I am giving you advice, take it. I actually have been through a lot even though I know you'd like to think other wise. I'm pretty sure I've been around the block a couple more times that you have. I know what I'm talking about and my words are not ill conceived. You need to get a grip on your life and figure it out before you ruin it.

You aren't the big man on campus. You don't have to be a bitch and a liar just because you want to "have a backbone" no. Just no. Having a backbone doesn't mean turning on everyone who was once friends with you. It doesn't mean being a stuck up bitch. Just no.

sorry for the absence

hello my beautiful people of the internet. i was absent for so long and there was so much that i meant to write that now i can't fit it into one post. i'm going to split this into a couple of different parts. this post will be my very informal (you can tell by the blatant disregard to proper grammar) explanation to what is what. part one is going to be a rant about this girl. there will be language and it will get vulgar. i apologize in advance. please skip if you would like. part two will be a general summary of what is going on in the world and my life. part three will be about my boyfriend and i and our relationship and where it is and how far it's come. then maybe i'll do a quick blurp about my birthday which was last thursday. alright let's get this thing a going shall we?

if you don't like it leave

I'm a mean awful cold hearted bitch. I'll admit it. I hate people, I hate the world, I hate everything. I don't have anything to "gain" by harassing people. I don't do it to make myself feel better or some bull shit like that. I do it because if I don't like you I'm going to make your life hell, that's all there is to it. I'll say it to your face and let you know I don't like you. I don't give a fuck if people think I'm a crazy bitch, go for it. I don't give a fuck about you or anyone else, I especially don't value other peoples opinions of me. If you don't like who I am and you don't like that I enjoy making people feel like shit because I think it's funny then leave. I'm not making you stay, go ahead and walk.

um....

i think i just followed my own blog???

For Real (this is a very long rant mostly for my personal reasons)

I need to write this because if I don't I'm going to explode. I was going to write a very rude paragraph filled with expletives  Then I took a breath and realized that I can write a very meaningful yet still to the point message about why people aggravate me. I'm not saying this post won't have profanity so be prepared for some strong words and rude messages. I am so sick of people thinking they are the center of the universe. We got in one fight, we made it clear that we do not want anything to do with it anymore. Why in the world would we continue to beat the dead horse if we didn't want anymore trouble? We are not posting about you on various different websites in order to send you on a scavenger hunt to find out that we are talking about you. No. We do not care what you do with your life. We said what we needed to and we stressed our points. We don not care to have anything to do with you ever again. Having that said I would now like to talk about crazy people and why they aggravate the shit out of me.

I do not like drama. I tend to not participate in drama. Anyone reading this who thinks otherwise go ahead but I honestly have to much to deal with in my life to deal with yours. When I do engage in an argument I research it. I find out the points and opinions of all involved. When I talk about it with the person I have a problem with I don't blindly attack. You may think I am bull shitting right now but I'm not. When I am telling you that you are wrong it's most likely because you are. When everyone else has stories that match up and yours is completely different I'm guessing that you are the one at fault there. Sorry if you disagree. When you start making up your own facts and start telling lies then clearly you don't have your story straight. You are never going to convince me that you are right if you cannot make a valid argument. You can sit there all you want and say that I have no argument and all that, but you are wrong. It's also not fair when you tell people who have no buisness in being involved what a bitch I am and that I'm a terrible person who's only intent is to hurt you. You have no right telling people lies about us or anyone to make yourself look better. Another thing that i'd like to address now is when you accuse me of things that I did not do.

I did not make you feel guilty I was simply telling you that I do know what a relationship is about. She wasn't trying to make you feel guilty about her mom. She was simply stating that she has a lot going on in her life right now that she has to think about and deal with. She does not have time for your bull shit. Just because you suddenly think you are entitled to start picking fights with people because you've "grown a backbone" doesn't mean you have the right to attack someone over something unrelated. "Growing a backbone" doesn't mean being a dumb bitch to everyone who was friends with you. We knew who you were before you lost your mind. All your friends who you consider your best friends, they are just people who agree with whatever the fuck comes out of your mouth. They don't try to help you and they don't try to help you see if you are doing something that could have a bad outcome. They sit back and watch and tell you that you are perfect. Sorry that we didn't do that. Sorry we tried to help, our bad.

Another thing, learn to use a dictionary. If you are going to try and use big words please learn what they mean so you don't embarrass yourself. You can't sound smart when you make typo after typo and talk likeeeee thissssss.

You are a sad and pathetic girl who is so bored with her life that she craves attention in any form she can get it.

This is my only post that was and ever will be dedicated to you on here.

Dippity Do

So today I got my new hair cut. I got a Rihanna inspired mohawk cut. It really tuned out great. It's awesome! It could have come out totally wonky but it looks great. It feels great too, and is very easy to style. I can't see myself going back to long hair for a while. This is so comfy I absolutely love it. I can't wait for school to start again so I can show off my new hair. I want to thank Julie Foley at Salon Dicarlo. She did such an amazing job I wouldn't trust anyone else with this. Really did an outstanding job on this hair cut, just phenomenal. So happy with it!!! I'm just so excited to show people!!

Goodmorning

So last night I was awakened by the loudest thunder clap... EVER. I watched the storm for a bit and felt the house shaking around me and clung to my little brother who was scared from the noise. This morning started off with the absolute screams or sheer agony as my parents tried to remove a splinter from my brothers foot. When I say screams.... I mean death. Like if you were to put death in sound form this was it. They still have yet to get it out and I'm eagerly anticipating round 2.

Beddy boo

So I'm off to bed but not without saying goodnight to my love. Josh and I have have been writing up a storm to eachother over the internet. Technology can sometimes be a wonderful thing. If anyone is look for a good bedtime read feel free to click here ---> http://member.mibba.com/60910/
This is a creative writing community and there are so many great aspiring authors on here. That link up there is to my profile where you can navigate to my stories, poems, and journals. Feel free to check it out. I've made it public to all for a very short time please stop by and tell me what you think. Alright of to say love yous to Josh. Night everyone.

i miss him

So I'm in Michigan and I'm on a family trip. My boyfriend Josh was supposed to come with us but do to some "complications" he couldn't come. I have been here for almost a week and to top it off I had already not seen him for almost two weeks because he was on a family vacation as well. I am so depressed right now I don't even know what to do. I miss him more than anything else. He's everything to me and I miss him so much that it is physically hurting me. I cry myself to sleep thinking about him, all we've done like this entire week is sext over aim. I'm not upset with the sexting, let me just clear that right now. I miss him so much, it's absolutely unbearable. I have a lot of things wrong with me and I have very bad self esteem issues and self worth issues. I constantly degrade myself and compare my life to everyone else. No one would ever know that though, I'm very good at hiding these things. I have depression and I'm angry all the time. I don't tell my parents because I don't want any more medications and I don't want to sit in a room for an hour with some idiot who thinks he knows my problems. Josh helped me with all of that. He made me happy and safe. I felt safe with him. I don't feel safe any more. I need him and I miss him. I love him to the moon and back and I miss him.

i really want french fries

So it's my little brothers third birthday today. Now there is food everywhere, I can smell all of it. To my delight what scent should waft to my nose? French Fries. I know for a fact there are no french fries. For a fact. Do you know how depressing it is to smell french fries but know there are none to eat? Hmmm, do you? No, no you don't, because if you did you would be dead. It is so painful knowing that there are no french fries out there to be eaten that I might just die. I can't even... it should be against all living creation to have a food that isn't french fries smell like french fries. Now I'm in Michigan visiting family right now. If I were home I could walk to a store by my house and get french fries. But I'm in Michigan, I don't know of any stores within walking distance where I can purchase french fries. So I must suffer without french fries, here, in Michigan.

WTF!